Mirrors

February 25th, 2018

I had one last thing to do before I leave the camp. A little money I had to take. Jutta, one of camp officials, texted me ‘’Could you come for the money you’ll take?’’. The day had come and I headed to the camp with my feet, eager to go to opposite way, but I did.

I felt like I was being squeezed; thinking about the day I first came here and the days I lived here. I arrived the building. Looking around made me more squeezed. My heart stuck inside the storm of memories. I stepped inside slowly. My Arabic neighbour was moping the floor. It is her turn then… I remember the times I moped the same floor. Another squeeze… How hard could moping be? It was too hard for me. Thanks God, my camp life ended.

It wouldn’t be nice if I’d go without saying goodbye to everyone. People in there are sharing the same fate with me. Not because of the same reason but of the similar reasons, had to leave our home countries and trying to continue our lives in these refugee camps. Afghan, Arabic, Syrian and many other nationalities. I saluted them all one by one. Seeing happiness in their eyes made me happy. We spent a whole year together. The taste of all memories is great. I went through the way near the washing machine. Women are arguing for the laundry line again. Every time, the same view like they’re going to lose the machine after one wash.

I just continued walking. I came to Jutta’s room. After 10 minutes my work was done. I left the camp one last time. With the wind’s help from my back, I walked away quickly. Freedom, became a very deep breath taking me to the future.

What is in the future?

Future is a very mysterious period of time for humankind. Like Tolstoy said, tomorrow wasn’t given to the human. Only could make some predictions with the thoughts. Those predictions sometimes give hope; sometimes collects together the clouds of anxieties. So, what was my predictions when I left the refugee camp?

I think it was just a face-off! Facing- off with myself. And of course it is going to be with the material humankind had been using for centuries: Mirror.

Mirror mirror on the wall, who am I among all?

Mirrors never lie. That may be the reason, the reason for I have been looking at the mirrors since I left the camp. Every time I looked at the mirror, there was only me. The mirror explains me to myself. Sometimes I look at the mirror so long that my children noticed. They come and make funny faces on the mirror. That means I can’t ask help from them for now. Once the saints said, ‘’The hardest thing for a person is to facing-off with himself.’’

Mirrors show me to myself, explain me to myself. I was getting to understand the truth and it looks terrifying…

Looking at the mirrors, I thought many things. It really is the hardest to face-off. Words split from my mouth with no permission…

Life stories, ending between the cogwheels of the despot regime. Lives exposed, lives fallen in the gutters.

I can’t see my front. People are so silent.

We hear genocide from everywhere. The tyranny we wait for its end, remains by increasing. Swallows whatever gets on its way…

We are trying to do what we have to do by walking inch long, with piles of materials, little bit and without any plan.

I know the enemy laughs at me. But I know we will proceed. With a group of volunteers, we are in an endeavour.

There is a slander, far away but there sure is. We cannot appear intoxicated with our own freedom.

Reading the stories, and deciding not to follow anymore. Lives… Lives in so much pain that no one can stand reading… In prisons, out prisons, struggling and trying to survive with their families. Giving their lives away, others burn with more pain by making no concessions to anyone.

We, the ones who tastes freedom, the lucky ones! The mirrors scream this truth to my face and my soul is racked with pain. The pain says I have to climb to top of a mountain and shout out the truth.

Master Necip Fazıl once said;

Don’t wait for me, I can’t come
Mirrors cut my way.

Crying, not because I was lucky, but because I had a lucky piece from life.

And more, and more sentences. I realized that I was already facing-off with myself. It was really hard… The future will come somehow. Now I have to decide who I am.