With(out) Identity

January 11th, 2018

We are stepping into a beautiful life with our new id cards today. We are from here, from now on. We have resident permit for 4 years.

I wanted to send a photograph of them to my mother as soon as I held it. I couldn’t. I couldn’t share my happiness with my dearest mother. Because, she doesn’t know anything about all these. I couldn’t tell her that… When I was a child, we used to play Polyanna game. Now we’re playing ‘Life is Beautiful’. I sweat to make an image of ‘everything is fine’ for my mother all the time. As a matter of fact, I can’t share my happiness with my family. I stared at the cards with a half happiness. At the same time, surprisingly, an old friend texted me: ‘How are you? How are your children?’. I turned my eyes to the sky and thanked silently for the friend to share my happiness.

I called my friend I couldn’t answer on the way home. She’s in Pakistan. She told me how her husband left the country in a hurry, her two children’s passports usurped by the ambassadors, their expired visas, her household items on sale, the things she sells/tries to sell… She said she would go to any country to accept them. Yet, she can’t go anywhere.

God gave me and my children id cards. My friend talks about how she lost theirs. I was already too tired of daily routine, I collapsed where I was standing.

The news that we had our resident permit spread in the camp with a great speed. Afghani Hala (big sister) Sheyma, waiting for the deportation, came for a visit and greeted me. I cried sobbingly as in front of her negativity, I had a positivity. I felt the same when I talked to my friend in Pakistan. While we are having new identities, they lost theirs.

I could do nothing.

While I was about to drown in the whirlpool of sob, I walked in the prayer hills.

I cry again and again. How we came to this situation? Shattered, scattered, desperate, helpless, and sometimes even hopeless.

The hope of reuniting someday is still standing upright in a corner of my heart.

But the eyes cry anyways…

And heart follows them and stands half…